Welcome to Wayne Event
The Happiest Place on Earth for One Specific Person
Have you ever felt like Main Event was a little too mainstream? Or that combining copious amounts of junk food and trampolines is a bad idea? Well, Wayne did too. And after he finished telling everyone he came into contact that week, he decided to do something about it.
Welcome to Wayne Event. An amusement park for Boomers of all ages to come enjoy the wonders of what Wayne’s wondering. We’re glad some of you are here.
Let’s take the tour.
Over here to the South of the front entrance you’ll find our take on Escape rooms. Well, not so much rooms as walls. No puzzles or riddles to solve. Just 30 foot walls bordering the Arcade.
If you or a member of your party can scale the wall and avoid our security guards, you are welcome to get in for free. Everyone else has to show their papers and pay the $49.99 entrance fee. In American folding money if you please, none of this bytecoin or crypton bullshit.
Those soothing sounds you hear are Wayne’s personally curated playlist. You won’t hear a single song older than 1975, each one sandwiched between Joe Rogan podcasts. And because those damn kids are so loud, we play all of our audio 20% louder than any other amusement venue. You’re welcome.
Once inside you’ll see our huge selection of deer hunting and golf arcade games. Every edition of Golden Tee, PGA Tour, and Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge are available. You’ll also find BOTH Buck Hunter and Big Buck Hunter. A little ostentatious, we know, but we aim to please.
To play a game, simply show the attendant your Wayne Event Patriot card. Hand-whittled by Wayne, these wooden cards double as your loyalty card to get in for HALF PRICE on your next visit. Don’t worry — you won’t find any magnetic strips on the cards or have to enter your phone number to join the program. Damn government already tracks how many times we wipe, and you should be allowed to do whatever you want after you’ve paid what’s due. Just having the card is good enough for Wayne. But god help you if you try to whittle your own. Wayne will know and he will be on NextDoor talking shit about you so fast, your head will spin. Season passes are available for purchase at the Customer Service desk.
Speaking of our loyalty program, sign up now for our mailing list and get a free mp2 of “Things Suck Today”, a compilation of Wayne’s most popular advice-rants. Enjoy such fine topics as “The future is screwed”, “Boys will be boys, until they change their minds”, “Pronouns: He doesn’t like They”, and the always relevant “People only talk about the bad stuff regarding Q-Anon”. *Disclaimer — mp2 files will only play on the Truth Social media player, which can be found by searching for “whiter twitter” on the browser of your choice.*
Looking to get a little more active before your knees lock up? Head on over to the Bowling lanes along the West wall. You won’t find the typical lane sizes here. Our gutters are two feet wide surrounding an 18 inch wide playable surface. And the foul line starts 3 inches ahead of the lane. You’ll have to be really careful to stay on the straight and narrow. Just like Wayne has to thread the needle of what is permissible to say in public gatherings. A man used to be able to say his piece without everyone jumping on his case, damn it.
Next, come on over and try Wayne’s custom pool tables. You won’t find any of those goofy rainbow colors here. All of the balls are shades of White and Blue, never Brown or Black. You can tell which one is the cue ball since it has a little red Crosshairs painted on it. Take your best shot.
And what’s that over there? Is it a laser tag arena where the guns have been taken away by Biden? I think it is. And Wayne doesn’t think that’s right. Just sit right down in the chairs arranged around this old-timey tree stump so Wayne can explain how we got to this sorry state of affairs. There will be no leaving early. You may exit to the rear of the amphitheater once you’ve heard the point of the story. Don’t drink too many liquids before taking your seats.
The Northeastern section of Wayne Event houses our virtual reality rides. Live the life of a Liberal. Wake up in your loft apartment your parents are still paying for, eat a bowl of carpet lint with gluten-free ferret milk and assy-E, rent a scooter to go to your open plan shared workspace, put on your thousand dollar headphones, and dick around on your macktruck books until 4:20. Better hurry downstairs to your scooter — the wine bar is serving corndogs ironically only while supplies last.
All that activity is going to make you hungry. If you can fry it, you can find it on our menu. Heck, bring in your own cuts of meat, and we’ll fry it up for you. Per Wayne’s directive, you won’t find a single slide of avocado or piece of kale anywhere in the building. A man’s gotta stick to his principles, you know?
*Note from the staff* — Wayne can’t eat that fried stuff anymore because of his gas condition, but he will sit beside you and share tales of who makes the best chicken fried steaks in places he’s still allowed to enter. He will be eyeing your meals, but DO NOT offer him a bite. Even just one fry, and even if Wayne threatens to kick you out. We don’t need a repeat of what happened last time.
We’re so glad you decided to bring the family, or more likely, just come by yourself to Wayne Event. Our goal is to bring the essence of Wayne into every interaction with our guests, and we hope we delivered. If you have any complaints or feedback for us, please give our helpline a call. Helpful operators are standing by to put you on speakerphone and shout 24/7.
Cordially yours,
Wayne Waynerson
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P.S. Let Wayne host your next Birthday party! For only $100 American, you can reserve the employee break room for up to 4 hours. We’ll supply a half sheet cake from the nearest grocery store, because it’s still cake, ain’t it? You can bring your own balloons and paper streamers. Wayne and crew will not be available to help decorate, but they show up 5 minutes before the party to tell you how it could have been done better and faster. Wayne will personally clean up after the party using his diesel powered leaf blower for a $20 slipped into his palm during a handshake. Not like that, like how a man shakes hands.
P.P.S. Wayne Event is also available for corporate events for any companies who pay all their taxes. Unless they’ve found a loophole which allows them to pay almost nothing in taxes. They’re smart for gaming the corrupt system and have earned a free bowl of Cheetos™ dusted Li’l Smokies™ with their catering menu selection. None of that Flamin’ Hot bullshit though. As Wayne always says “It burns on the entrance and the exit. No thank you very much.”
