Time for Stand Up
<Note to the reader: When you read this, I want you to imagine that I’m in a dark nightclub up on a small stage. Close your eyes and imagine the excited murmur of the crowd and the smells of old cocktails and flop sweat. Got that firmly in your mind? Good. Now you can fully enjoy my attempt at a short stand up set.>
Thank you, thank you. You’re too kind.
I can’t believe they handed me a microphone. This isn’t going to go well for anyone, especially you. [points at the audience]
It’s kind of dark out there. I can’t see, are you sitting down? Good, cause it’s time for stand up. [Wait for audience groan]. [Looks down at the front row] Ma’am, are you groaning already? I usually have to take my pants off before the groans start. And I don’t mean sexy groans, if you catch my drift. [Looks at someone else in the front row] Did you catch my drift? It doesn’t look like it. Tell you what, if you get lost, just laugh when everyone else does. We promise it’s not at your expense [exaggerated wink at the rest of the crowd].
Non sequiturs are amazing. Thank you for laughing, one guy in the back. That joke is only for grammar nerds and people who remember their high school latin. Everyone else just laughs along nervously to show they get the joke too, right? [stares at the previous person in the front row]. Sorry. That was the last time I pick on you. Or was it? [raises eyebrow] Don’t worry. I’ll only use you for comedic effect as long as you give me the okay sign. [Leaning over to talk directly to the person] That’s when you hold all your fingers apart and then make a circle with your thumb and index finger. That’s right! It IS the first finger next to the thumb. Well done.
I’ve got to confess something about that last bit. I had to practice raising my eyebrow in the mirror. Growing up I always thought I was raising my eyebrow to indicate that I was suspicious, but it just ended up looking like my underwear was wedged where the sun don’t shine. I see some faces out there that look like they just made the connection between wedged underwear and the word wedgie. That’s your fun fact of the day. Go tell your friends and coworkers. Wedgie means wedged up there, and has nothing to do with a wedge of cheese. Or it might if cheese was somehow involved, but I’ll leave that to your imaginations.
Speaking of realizing things, I’ve come to the conclusion that no one really enjoys the taste of alcohol. I hear you out there saying “But I like it.” Wrong. We’ve all just been pretending to like it so that other people will think we’re cool. Have you ever seen someone’s face taking a shot of liquor? Not the neon-colored, fruit flavored liqueurs. The hard stuff. Watch someone take a drink of bourbon or tequila. There’s always this involuntary wince which is their body telling them “you just drank poison”. For real. Watch for it. And then they either say “that’s smooth” or “WOOO” depending on where they are in their level of poison consumption for the night. Tell me this, if that shot was so good, why did you wince like that? I’ve never once taken a bite of a Snickers bar and looked like I just banged my shin. In fairness, I have made that face when eating pizza, but that’s because I’m not smart enough to wait until it can’t burn my mouth.
Seriously, try this next time you make margaritas. Take an empty tequila bottle and fill it with water and a little yellow food coloring. Or if you’re too classy to buy Cuervo, leave out the yellow food coloring and say it’s ultra premium. Who in here has an empty tequila bottle lying around? [Looks at another person in the front row] You? Yeah, you had that look that says, I have every empty tequila bottle I’ve ever drank at home in my collection. Do you have enough for the whole class? Yeah I bet you do. People who recycle their empties, go ask this guy/gal for a bottle after the show.
So you have your tequila bottle full of water. Invite your friends over and tell them you found an amazing margarita recipe that they have to try. Don’t make it too obvious. Prepare some Tex Mex appetizers or something. Don’t just make the margaritas the sole point of the evening. People will worry about you. Have at least a couple of the party goers watch you pour twice as much “tequila” [with finger quotes] as you would normally pour. When you mix in the sweetener, tell them you cut it with a tablespoon of baking powder beforehand which takes the edge off the alcohol. Squeeze in the lime juice and add whatever else you want. Mix up the pitcher, or blender, or bathtub like you normally do. I guarantee the first thing people will say after they take a drink is “Wow, you can barely taste the tequila!” And they’ll be happy about that!
The best part about this whole evening? Your friends are going to go home and try the baking powder shit on their own. Some of you are out there whispering to each other “but I heard about the baking soda thing. It works, supposedly.” Are you sure it works? Are you sure someone wasn’t tricking you into having the best damn margarita ever, without the risk of a hangover?
Now that I’ve finished that bit, this is a good time to remind you of this club’s 2 drink minimum. They have a fine selection of poisons available, and will happily swap the liquor in any mixed drinks for water at your request. And don’t ask them for a virgin drink. That’s creepy. Just ask to have your drink unpenetrated. I promise they’ll remember you and your drink for the rest of the night.
