The Dangers of External Validation
This article hit close to home for me. If you have had a bad period at work screw up your self-esteem, then it might hit a little close to home for you too. Today, on a very special episode of Get Your Phil….
It took me longer than usual to write this article. It can be challenging to find the humor in something that used to stress you out. Plus, this is a meaty topic with a ton of angles and avenues that we could go down. I do love a challenge, and I really love making ridiculous jokes and terrible puns (just ask my lovely and long-suffering wife). Challenge accepted, and I promise you won’t hurt my feelings if you don’t like it.
I spent the first 12 years of my career convinced that my performance at work was directly tied to my value as a person. Susan David coined the phrase “contingent self-esteem”, which is the belief that worth is something you have to earn. If my colleagues and managers liked my work, then I was on top of the world. If I messed something up at the office, then I would feel bad and be cranky and irritable at home. I thought that was just how it goes, and that everyone felt the same way as I did.
As usual for my younger self, I was entirely mistaken about how things work. I am not what I do for a living, so my self-worth does not need to be dependent on anything external. Some of the readers might be rolling their eyes at how silly that epiphany sounds, but I know I’m not the only one who has these thoughts. I’ve lost track of how many younger people that I’ve worked with who would react to negative feedback as though their lives were ending.
Don’t worry, this article isn’t about Philip’s harrowing journey of self discovery. I’d rather talk about ways to recognize the symptoms of an external sense of self and what you can do about it. I’ll also cover ways you can help your team overcome their own challenges with feeling valuable.
Here’s an exercise for you and your teams/organization. How would you rate the self-esteem of your colleagues and management? Look beyond the positive facades and really think about how they react to bad news or a rough patch in your industry. Do they get quiet and withdrawn for a while? Do they get angry or lash out at the closest target? Or hopefully they use a totally scenario-appropriate profanity, and then start working on an action plan to get back on top.
If you can’t tell, there are a few warning signs you can look for. Low self-esteem can manifest very quietly as an uptick in teasing or being sarcastic (note to self, limit sarcasm to twice a day). It can also show up as an increase in passive aggressive behaviors (like hogging the “good” white board just because, Susan). It could also be an absence of some of the positive attributes, like not giving as much praise to others or staying unusually quiet in meetings. One caveat — a few people are just complete jerks, so separate those “unique personalities” into another bucket. And no, you can’t put everyone you work with into the jerk bucket.
The symptom that’s even more subtle is how much guidance someone needs on a regular basis. If their self-esteem is contingent on how they think others like them, then that typically manifests as risk averse behaviors. They want that external validation so they can feel good, and they won’t want to risk doing anything to jeopardize that sweet, sweet approval. Any deviation from tried and true processes is therefore a dangerous thing to be avoided. Better to only work on things they know 100% and ask questions if there’s any ambiguity.
On the manager’s side, the natural reaction when someone is bugging you for “stuff they should already know” is to get annoyed, which just exacerbates the situation. Now your employee feels even more on edge, which brings up more doubt, which turns into a desire to ask questions but tinged with fear of ticking off the boss. So they either become paralyzed with indecision, or only accomplish the portions of the project they understand and leave the rest alone. It’s a vicious cycle, and no one wants to keep going around one more time.
What can you do about it? After all, you’ve read this far into an overly-verbose article. The least I can do is to give you a few ideas to make the situation better. These are written from the perspective of a manager, but you can easily adapt them to use for yourself or a peer.
- Set the context for how your company operates as part of their onboarding. If your company is a fast paced, brutally honest place, then make sure they understand that. If everyone is far too polite, then they’ll need to figure out how to know if someone is upset and just not showing it. They will know what to expect, and then how to respond well.
- Your employees need to feel secure if they are going to venture out on their own. If they get punished for taking a chance and failing, then they won’t take any more chances. Help them understand when to ask and when to try, and support them regardless of the outcome.
- Once they start making decisions though, you need to hold them accountable for the outcomes. If they over-commit to too many projects, then let them feel the pressure to get them all done. It’s a valuable lesson on managing expectations, but also that it’s not the end of the world if their decision doesn’t work out the way they hoped.
- Don’t make your employees guess as to how they’re doing. You don’t want their esteem solely tied to compliments, because sometimes we don’t always praise the way we should. They need to have a firm sense of their progress regardless of what they hear (or don’t hear). Be explicit and purposeful in your feedback, and give it more than once a year.
- Speaking of feedback, make sure you focus on the action and not the person. Your goal is to change a behavior, so call out the behavior you want to change. Saying “next time I want you to think of three likely objections and responses to the proposed plan” is much easier to handle than “you get really flustered when you present”.
- Find a few “easy” wins for your employee who needs a win. These need to be something challenging so there’s a sense of accomplishment, but not so challenging that they won’t make the attempt. Help them give themselves an esteem boost.
- Shut down comparisons to other people early and often. If you tell people that everyone is different, they’ll say “No duh”. But those same people will then complain that Brian learned the new sales content so much faster than they did and Lisa is better with clients. Remind them that they just agreed that everyone was different, so comparing yourself to others is like an unsharpened pencil — pointless.
Remember to keep focusing on disconnecting the idea that approval equals value. Your employees and colleagues may already be getting an onslaught of that message from their parents, their families, and their social media accounts. You can refuse to stay on that same merry-go-round, at least when it comes to work. Even a little bit of support helps.
Rather than belabor the point, I thought a couple of quotes would drive these ideas home. From Brian Weiss:
“Happiness comes from within. It is not dependent on external things or on other people. You become vulnerable and can be easily hurt when your feelings of security and happiness depend on the behavior and actions of other people. Never give your power to anyone else.”
And, in the immortal words of Stuart Smalley:
“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”
-Philip
