Is it time for more stand up already?
<I was reminded after the last stand up bit that I need to set the stage (pun intended) for the audience so they could immerse themselves in the bad comedy act. Be careful what you wish for.>
INTERIOR: A dimly lit, slightly dirty comedy club. A single spotlight shines on a mottled wooden stage with a faux brick backdrop. A series of 10 inch tall letters spell out CHUCKLES, although the second C is askew, so it looks like CHUUKLES. A short, portly (shortly), pale man stands in the middle of the spotlight, trying not to let flop sweat spontaneously erupt from every crevice.
“Y’all ready for the second part of my act? Too bad, cause I’m telling it anyway. So we covered tricking people into thinking they were drinking alcohol. What’s another untapped vein of comedy potential? I know, pillows. Don’t look at me like that. Pillows are hilarious, and not just the huge ones with female anime characters on them. Look it up. After this, after this. Put your phones away.
You know how everyone who sleeps on their side faces towards the edges of a pillow? Did you ever wonder why people don’t face the middle of the pillow? It just feels so wrong, even though it’s your head and your pillow, but the simple act of facing the middle makes it awkwardly horrible. Try it tonight when you get home. Or whatever home you get to (you know. Some of you may be spending the night at someone else’s house. Eh? For sex. (eyebrow waggle)). Try it when you get to your bed or their bed tonight. Anyone next to you will think you’re an absolute psychopath. And they’ll probably kick you out before you have to buy them breakfast. So if this is a hit it and quit it situation, you’re welcome.
Okay, so the right side of the pillow is for the left side of your face, and the left side of your pillow is for the right side of your face, unless you’re the aforementioned psychopath. The middle of your pillow is for the back of your head. Your forehead should never hit the pillow directly, cause that will squash your nose.
Some of you look like you’re frantically trying to write that down. Not to worry, I figured out the optimal head/pillow arrangement for all of us. No, no, don’t thank me. Just doing my job. You see, what you do is take your pillow and wrap it around your head. (leans over to an audience member) This is the important part — wrap it around your head with your face sticking out the open end. Don’t duct tape the pillow over your breathing holes. Okay? I need to see you nod for personal liability reasons. Okay, good.
Now you’ve got a pillow on both the right and left sides of your face, you can turn any which way you want, and you won’t squash your nose. Genius, right? Complete and total pillow domination. It also doubles as noise canceling insulation, and ensures a quiet and restful sleeping experience. Especially if your hit it and quit it buddy is a light sleeper, and you want to slip away while they have a pillow taped to their head.
I can see on your faces that you’re thinking through how to try this tonight. Well let me tell you, it’s always easier with a partner to do this, but you can do it solo. If you live alone since the last punk snuck out during the night, then you may want to try using bungee cords first. Just be sure you wear eye protection in case that cord snaps around and gives you an embarrassing story you have to tell at every party about how you got that eyepatch.
The trick to a good pillow wrapping is to do it while lying down on the bed. It’s a real pain in the ass to try to fold your pillow into a taco and hold it there while securing it with the other hand. Quick aside, if you like your pillow cases, then try using painter’s tape or a giant rubber band instead of duct tape. Duct tape will last a good long while though, and you can just slide your pillow helmet off in the morning.
Now, this won’t work for those king sized pillows, which are ridiculous. I’m trying to imagine a scenario where you would need a pillow that long to sleep on. I guess if you never really got the hang of rolling over when you were a baby and needed a runway to quit spinning. Of course, then you’d also need those bowling alley bumpers on the sides of your bed to keep you in your lane. They’ll spare you the pain of splitting your head open. Who’s groaning out there? Give everyone else time to figure out the joke.
You may be wondering what to do if your head gets hot during the night. Not to worry my friends, the answer is simpler than you think. All you have to do is quit being such a baby. No, no, just messing with you. There are two options you can try. Option 1, take the pillow taco off your head and flip it around to the cool crevice of the pillow. Easy peasy, right? Option 2 is a radical idea — squish the pillow into a bow tie shape before you wrap it around your head. Keeps your neck exposed and cool. I know it sounds far fetched. Well, farfalle-fetched, but it’ll work. (Looks at an audience member) Get it? Farfalle is bow tie pasta. That was a pun about noodles. Noodles are those hard things made of flour that you boil in water and then put sauce on.
I love seeing the faces out there of people realizing that this pillow taco idea could actually work. There’s this look of mild astonishment and you can hear the hamster wheel spinning furiously. Do you hear it? All those little squeaks? That’s the sound of realization. Or they just got the bowling joke from 4 minutes ago. Either way, that hamster’s getting a workout tonight.
I bet you thought I was joking when I said I was going to do a whole bit about pillows. C’mon. I never joke about jokes. Hey lady, there’s a bug on your chair! Oh, what’s this? A standing ovation? You’re too kind lady. You’re gonna make me blush. Let me just drink some water and we’ll knock out the last third of my act.”
