How to Receive Praise Gracefully
The outpouring of birthday wishes from many people I know (and many more people who once upon a time tried to sell me things) got me thinking about gratitude. Every one of those wishes is a kind gesture, whether or not it was created by a button click or typing out a heartfelt message. Each one of them made me feel a little jolt of happiness, and I’d be a real heel if I didn’t say anything in return. For you Gen Z readers — heel means jerk, or someone you want to yeet from your life.
Some of us, especially those of us raised by Midwestern parents, tend to cringe when we receive praise. The following steps will help you come to terms with the horrifying notion that someone appreciated what we did and then communicated that appreciation. To us. Directly. I know! If you are someone that feels praise is a simple validation of your awesomeness, feel free to skip to step 3.
Step 1: Feel the gratitude. Let any embarrassment wash over you and fade away. Embarrassment is just fear of being judged, and your lizard brain is trying to tell you to fit in with the rest of the crowd. Remind yourself that the person praising you already judged you in a positive way. They like you. Tell your lizard brain to shut up and keep looking out for things that might be snakes.
Step 2: Decide how to express your gratitude. Sounds easy, but there are many pitfalls to keep in mind:
- Don’t dismiss the compliment/nice gesture. Rejecting a compliment tells the other party that they’re wrong and makes them feel bad. You like this dress? Saying “Oh, I just grabbed this” will feel like you said “Well, you’re an idiot”. Think I did a nice job on that presentation? Think again dummy. Their opinion matters to you, right? Act like it matters.
- It will be tempting to deflect the compliment with a joke or sarcastic quip (I should know — I’m offender #1 on this subject). If someone says they liked that blurb you wrote, resist the urge to say they must not read much. You may be rubber, and they may be glue, but stuff will still stick to rubber if you soften up a bit.
- Make sure your body language stays on message. Don’t look away or lean back in your chair. Show them you are interested in what they say by leaning in or looking them in the eye. The last thing you want is for them to feel like you don’t care about their feedback.
- Last, but not least — this is not the time for a mutually assured compliment escalation. Have you said any of these phrases? “You did a much better job than I did.” “No, your hair looks fantastic.” Stop that. Recognize their gesture without trying to top it.
Step 3: Express your gratitude. Yes, you really have to. The trick here is to say what you’re feeling (it’s a radical notion). If the compliment meant a lot to you, say “Wow, that means a lot to me”. If you blushed, tell them that they made you blush. If you’re feeling a mild sense of happiness, then say thank you and move on. Match your response to the level of happiness you’re feeling. It’s okay to aim a little higher than what you’re feeling, but you don’t want to be praising the otherworldly virtue and thanking someone from the bottom of your heart for holding a door open.
I guarantee if you follow those steps you will create the same level of joy for the other person that you are currently feeling. Their goal was to make you feel good, and the least you can do is to accept that gift gracefully. I’m not going to pretend you’ll be amazing at this at first. It takes some time to undo years of deflecting and minimizing muscle memory. Regardless of how the first few attempts go, I’m proud of you for trying. Excellent job.
-Philip
