Hating Everyone
This article was inspired by a friend of mine who is the quintessential young-ish curmudgeon, yet has found success in teaching young people how to program. If he can learn to tolerate and engage with other people, then there’s hope for everyone. Even people who hate everyone.
Do you hate everyone? If not, I’ll bet you know someone who hates everyone (or at least says they do). Hating everyone is an increasingly popular phrase that usually coincides with starting your first grown up job. The sentiment is nothing new. The Boomers had their Beatniks, Gen X had their entire generation, Millennials had their Emos. Hating the establishment is cool, until you eventually become the establishment and the cycle starts over.
I figured this was a good time to share some advice with the misanthropes out there (although there probably aren’t many hanging around on LinkedIn for fun). This can also give the squares (i.e. everyone else) some ideas for how to interact with the cool kids who can’t stand your scene, man. Some of these topics will challenge your preconceived notions, so consider yourself warned. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel triggered.
- First things first. Figure out if you actually hate people, or if you’re anxious around people. Social anxiety is easy to confuse with being misanthropic. It’s entirely possible that you’re keeping people at arm’s length to protect yourself, vs. actually despising your coworkers. This is the hardest step, but it’s also why I put it first. If you figure this out early, you’ll save yourself a lot of unnecessary heartburn and eyestrain from over-rolling your eyes.
- Spend more time with people. Try actually talking to them. You may not ever get to the level of debating the finer points of reading Proust in French vs. English, but you will get to a deeper familiarity with your peers. I know, that sounds completely horrible, but what if you throw in alcohol and chicken wings? Nearly everyone you’ll meet is more than just their job or title. They probably didn’t want to get out of bed this morning either. You may find that you have more in common with your coworkers than you thought. It’s hard to hate people once you understand them.
- Don’t assume that you know how your coworkers feel about you. When I was much younger, I assumed my colleagues thought I was awesome. A few years later, I assumed they all thought I was a fool. I was wrong both times. It took time and a level of comfort to ask people for feedback, which helped me get better. It would have been a lot easier to put up a wall and stay ignorant, but then I would have stagnated in a cube counting down the hours until quitting time. If that doesn’t sound like your preferred career path, then try something different. Get out there and try (at least a little) to engage.
- Start small. If “trying a little harder” is still too much to ask, then make a game of it. Pretend you’re an anthropologist studying the social interactions of an isolated tribe. One elder in the group appears to be angry until he consumes a bitter drink of roasted seeds. A juvenile seems to spend most of their time performing mating displays, without success. Empathy comes with familiarity, and familiarity can come from recognizing patterns of behavior. Just leave your notepad or voice recorder at your desk. You don’t want to come off as creepy (or maybe you do).
- Don’t fake friendliness, but do soften your edges. I used to work with the singer of a local rock band. I’m sure he wasn’t a fan of buttoning up a shirt and coming to an office every day, but he did it and interacted well with the people around him. He did keep the spikey, cool-for-2004 hairstyle though. You don’t have to be fake to be cordial. Instead of glaring when asked to finish your timesheet, try keeping a blank face and saying “okay”. If you overhear something ridiculous, scoff internally. Your litmus test can be — would I think someone was a jerk if they did this to me? If the answer is yes, then don’t do that thing. Choose a non-jerk path and you’ll be surprised how much your working relationships improve (over time — Sharon is still salty that you sneered at the pictures of her kids).
- Consider creating a user manual for yourself. I created one a few years ago, and I send it out to my groups when we first start interacting. It gives them an immediate understanding of my style, what I appreciate, how I want to interact, etc. DM me if you would like a copy. The beauty of a manual is it’s a shortcut to avoid weeks of trial and error, and cuts to the heart of what you want people to know. If you need some quiet time in the morning, put it in the manual. If you can’t stand talking about sports, put that in there too. Help them get to know you and nearly all of them will respect your wishes.
- Speaking of quiet time, make some space for yourself. This process of change is going to be exhausting at first. Create some buffers in your day or week to decompress or reflect on what you’ve discovered. Establishing office hours, coming in early or staying late, sitting in a quieter part of the building, whatever helps you relax.
- If all else fails, try working with fewer people. Go do something else if you’re unhappy where you are. There are all kinds of jobs that don’t require a lot of human interaction (Programmers, Scientists, Lawyers, Pet Sitters). There’s nothing wrong with changing your career plans if you’ll have a better time on the journey. Just remember that money and influence are almost always tied to how well you interact with people. You’ll have to decide if the lack of people is worth the lack of discretionary income.
I’ve tried to avoid using terms like extrovert or introvert in this article, as they oversimplify a lot of different topics into one convenient word. I don’t believe that anyone is just one thing. I challenge all of the self-proclaimed people haters to go through this list again (without scoffing this time), and give letting people in a legitimate shot. They’ll either surprise you by being cooler than you thought, or you’ll be proved right that everyone sucks. Either way you get something out of the experience.
-Philip
