Handling Conflicts at Work
Today’s topic is all about conflicts at work and how to resolve them effectively. Effectively as in you used words to peacefully solve the conflict, not effective as in a punch to the solar plexus is effective. If you nodded at that solar plexus joke (and it was a joke), then please read and learn from this article. There’s also a fun mad-libs option — anytime you see the word “jerk” in this article, feel free to replace it with the swear word of your choosing.
My friend Beth had a meeting with their leadership earlier this week to resolve a conflict they were experiencing. Beth asked our group of friends for some advice on how to prepare and what to say in the meeting. Since Beth only got a sample of my thoughts on the subject, all of you get to enjoy the full tasting menu.
The biggest downside to working with others is that we have to deal with humans. Some humans are great, most are fine, and an obnoxious few are jerks. The jerks trap attention like a waffle traps syrup. There will always be jerks, so unfortunately the odds of you conflicting with a jerk are greater than zero. As long as you prepare for the conflict, then the jerks won’t have a chance to weigh you down. That’s how you win.
Before we dive in, I do want to clarify one point that tends to trip people up when they think about work conflicts. Arguments are not the same things as Conflicts. It may feel similar in the moment, but if you were amicably talking with someone before the debate started, then you probably aren’t in a conflict with that person. Debates and disagreements are always welcome in a strong corporate culture. Conflict is when your lizard brain feels attacked and gets your body ready to physically lash out at someone (or everyone). And conflicts between lizards don’t end well for everything around you (remember Godzilla?).
Let’s assume for a moment that you’re in the midst of a full blown work conflict. Something happened, someone got pissed, something escalated, and now you’re both seething. Nearly all of the business pundits will tell you that the first step to conflict resolution is to open a dialogue (and then to find a quiet space to discuss how the other person made you feel). They have all forgotten that the actual first step is to calm down enough to not throw things at the other idiot and then to decide to act. I would conservatively estimate that half of conflict resolution is getting people to admit that there is a conflict and that it could be resolved. That half is also the portion that’s the easiest to dismiss as “that’s stupid advice and shut your stupid face Philip”. That totally mature response is a sign that your lizard brain is still at the wheel.
What I like to do when someone gets my goat is to remind myself of two universal truths: 1) My self-esteem isn’t defined by anyone but me, and 2) It takes two to conflict (and to tango, but a tango won’t solve most work issues). Don’t make the conflict personal. Yes, they may be acting like a rude ass with a punchable face. The key phrase there is “acting like”. They weren’t born a rude ass, although their face punchability may go back to puberty. This seemingly huge beef is just a moment in time, and you get to decide when that moment is over. You can decide that the next moment will be you improving the situation with a rational conversation and alignment. It will still take some time, but the point is that you get to decide to act differently.
There’s also an added benefit that no one talks about — you deciding to calm down will let the wind out of the sails of even the biggest jerks. Some people seem hardwired to want to cause a conflict. That conflict is how they show dominance (and therefore display leadership) in their minds. Don’t give them the satisfaction of playing along. You stick to the high road, and the stuffed shirts will just look foolish by comparison. Don’t reward tantrums. Lizard brain drivers get to sit in time out until they evolve.
One thing to keep in mind — the “seemingly good but actually bad” option is to immediately escalate the situation to an authority figure. Bosses don’t love it when 2+ angry people interrupt their flow to vent their spleens. Bosses are much more in favor of someone coming to their office with options that need their support. Keep your boss on your side and stay open to the idea that you may not be completely in the right. You’re bringing in a somewhat impartial third party. They can and will point out flaws in both of your arguments, and admitting where things could have gone better on your part is a good way to keep the focus on moving forward. “What about HR” you might ask. HR and leadership just want to get back to work. They’ll find the first option to pursue even if it’s not a good long term plan. Use HR and leadership’s time wisely, and only after you have exhausted your (well documented) attempts to resolve the situation.
By this point you have put your lizard brain back to sleep and you’re ready to start talking solutions. It will be tempting to solve the immediate things that are ticking you off, like getting them to quit interrupting you in meetings with inane comments. I would recommend you go past the surface and find the root cause of the conflict. Ask any married couple — the thing you’re fighting about is almost never the actual reason you’re upset. There’s usually some built up resentment or fear that’s egging on the fight about putting the pillowcases on wrong. That underlying magma chamber of fear/disrespect is the same with your work relationships. Trust keeps the magma from becoming lava. Things get volcanic when the trust erodes and problems swell to the surface. I concede that metaphor was a bit rocky, but I trust the geology geeks are still with me. Identify & cure the disease, not the symptoms. Feeling disrespected because of the interruptions is a better discussion topic than “shut up for at least five minutes Barry”.
Case in point — I was in a meeting this week where a participant reacted angrily that we were even talking about the topic at hand. That frustration stemmed from fear that the path we were on was going to cause them to miss their sales goal for the year. His trust that his colleagues would support him had eroded and the fear came out in force. The choices I had were to fight fire with fire (get confrontational), or not react and start rebuilding the trust. I chose the latter, and after doing some fact finding, we found a potential solution to try out starting next week. The conflict was resolved before it even turned into a conflict. It’s not a fight until you choose to play along. Find the root and dig that sucker out.
Remember, you don’t have to be friends at the end of a successful conflict resolution. That’s not the goal. The goal is to get back to a collaborative working relationship without stepping on Tokyo in the process. Rebuilding the trust is your ultimate target. You can find a quiet room and share “I feel” sentiments until the cows come home, but if there isn’t an increase in trust then the conflict isn’t actually resolved. Unless of course the conflict was over missing cattle and now they’ve come home.
-Philip
