Even More New Corporate Buzzwords

It’s time for more buzzwords from a reliable source — a random dude on the internet.

I had a lot of fun creating new business phrases to replace the old and busted terms (has anyone told a colleague to “take it to the chorus” lately?). It’s time for an encore performance. Ladies and gentlemen and neither, I give you updated versions of 2020’s most overused terms and phrases.

• Old terminology: Unprecedented
• New terminology: I forgot this has happened before
• Used in a sentence: “These sure are crazy, I forgot this has happened before times we are living in. I wish I had paid attention in history class so I would know what our ancestors did after the last time.”
• Old terminology: Pandemic
• New terminology: Down with the sickness
• Used in a sentence: “In 2020 the world faced an alarming down with the sickness that changed the world in many I forgot this has happened before ways.”
• Old terminology: Lockdown
• New terminology: Minimal couch distance
• Used in a sentence: “The City of Dallas has issued a Minimal couch distance order for all residents. Please stay within 50 feet of your couch unless you are an essential worker.”
• Old terminology: Quarantine
• New terminology: Be germ selfish
• Used in a sentence: “My uncle got sick, so his doctor asked him to be germ selfish for the next two weeks.”
• Old terminology: Social distance
• New terminology: Smell zone
• Used in a sentence: “That grocery store sure was crowded last night. I wish people would maintain the correct smell zone and back up already.”
• Old terminology: Working from home
• New terminology: Traffic-less
• Used in a sentence: “Attention employees — all of you are asked to be traffic-less for the foreseeable future. Stay away from the office, but if you do need to come in, please maintain a smell zone of at least 6 feet.”
• Old terminology: Zoom call
• New terminology: Meet eye to lens
• Used in a sentence: “I miss interacting with my co-workers, but it’s been nice to at least meet eye to lens. Eventually we’ll get to stop being traffic-less and have lunch together.”
• Old terminology: To Their-Name’s Point
• New terminology: To Dogpile
• Used in a sentence: “Heather, completely agree with you and to dogpile, here’s the same thing you said in a slightly different way.”
• Old terminology: Abundance of caution
• New terminology: Pre-emptive butt covering
• Used in a sentence: “The City of Dallas has issued a minimal couch distance order for residents due to a pre-emptive butt covering.”
• Old terminology: You’re on mute
• New terminology: Silent but eloquent
• Used in a sentence: “Hey, Alan? We can see your lips moving and I think you’re silent but eloquent.”
• Old terminology: Pivot
• New terminology: Hokey Pokey
• Used in a sentence: “Our company is facing I forgot this has happened before times, so we have decided to hokey pokey our business model towards producing memes instead of accounting software.”

I’ll expect each of you to do your best to introduce and maintain these new phrases until everyone has forgotten the originals. At that point I’ll get to make up a whole new batch of ridiculous sayings.