Even MORE New Buzzwords
If there’s one thing I’m known for, it’s that not many people know me. If there’s a second thing I’m known for, it’s making up ridiculous new terms for overused buzzwords. That’s right! Round 3 of new terms for old and busted phrases is just one click away.
In honor of back to school season, I thought I would celebrate with a vocabulary lesson. It’s time for everyone’s favorite topic — new buzzwords! Show of hands, how many of you can memorize the terms in this article for the pop quiz next week? Good. Now, how many of you can use these terms at work without someone asking if you’re feeling okay? Share your results with the class next week.
We’re going to follow the now classic format previously established by spelling bees and in earlier articles: Old term — New Term — How to use in a sentence.
- Old terminology: Hybrid Working
- New terminology: Peek-a-Boss
- Used in a sentence: “My company elected to go with the Peek-a-Boss model, so Monday you see me, Tuesday you don’t.”
- Old terminology: Stay Flexible
- New terminology: Stay Gymnastic
- Used in a sentence: “I’m going to need all of you to stay Gymnastic about our new Peek-a-Boss policy.”
- Old terminology: Virtual School
- New terminology: Faux Scho
- Used in a sentence: “We opted our kids into Faux Scho to make it easier to keep them safe while my wife and I are both on Peek-a-Boss schedules. You gotta stay Gymnastic, you know?”
- Old terminology: Vaccine Card
- New terminology: Shot Caller
- Used in a sentence: “I’m the big baller, and this is my shot caller, so let me inside the IHOP already.”
- Old terminology: Zoom Fatigue
- New terminology: Face Blandness
- Used in a sentence: “I’m turning off my camera for the rest of the week due to a severe case of Face Blandness. You’ll see me next week during my Peek-a-Boss days in the office.”
- Old terminology: The Great Resignation
- New terminology: Baskin Jobbins
- Used in a sentence: “We’ve seen a lot of turnover in our industry recently, and there’s no sign that the Baskin Jobbins will be slowing down anytime soon.”
- Old terminology: Pre-COVID
- New terminology: Previrusly (pronounced pre-ve-rusly)
- Used in a sentence: “Boy, I was much better at packing my travel back Previrusly”.
- Old terminology: Inheritance
- New terminology: Last Allowance
- Used in a sentence: “I asked my parents about how much I could expect with my Last Allowance, and now I’m wondering when they’ll quit laughing.”
- Old terminology: Mask Protest
- New terminology: Blow Hard
- Used in a sentence: “We have the right to Blow Hard, and we’ll do it right in your face.”
- Old terminology: In Person
- New terminology: Unframed (while making a frame out of your hands around their head, possibly voguing, but less cool)
- Used in a sentence: “It’s so great to see you Unframed. Don’t think I’ve seen you away from your desk since Previrusly.”
- Old terminology: Resurgence (of COVID)
- New terminology: Unprevented Forest Fire
- Used in a sentence: “Smoky tried to warn us, but you didn’t wear a mask or get a shot, so now we’re facing an Unprevented Forest Fire.”
- Old terminology: Multitasking
- New terminology: Squirrel! (complete with quickly looking off to the side)
- Used in a sentence: “Sorry, I didn’t hear you because I was Squirrel!. Being at home for a year surrounded by devices means my attention span now rivals most fruit flies so I needed a dopamine hit because you were boring the pajama pants off of me.”
- Old terminology: Fixed mindset
- New terminology: Neutered Neurons
- Used in a sentence: “Man, Kris really has Neutered Neurons.”
- Old terminology: Fluid Situation
- New terminology: Uncongealed
- Used in a sentence: “Man, Kris really has Neutered Neurons. I tried to explain that this is an Uncongealed situation.”
- Old terminology: Realign
- New terminology: Repeg this Square Hole
- Used in a sentence: “Man, Kris really has Neutered Neurons. I tried to explain that this is an Uncongealed situation, and we’ll need to Repeg this Square Hole.”
- Old terminology: Iterate
- New terminology: Live Groundhog’s Day
- Used in a sentence: “Man, Kris really has Neutered Neurons. I tried to explain that this is an Uncongealed situation, and we’ll need to Repeg this Square Hole and Live Groundhog’s Day for a while.”
- Old terminology: Vision
- New terminology: Grand Prize
- Used in a sentence: “Man, Kris really has Neutered Neurons. I tried to explain that this is an Uncongealed situation, and we’ll need to Repeg this Square Hole and Live Groundhog’s Day until we get to our Grand Prize.”
- Old terminology: New Normal
- New terminology: Fresh Hell
- Used in a sentence: “Man, Kris really has Neutered Neurons. I tried to explain that this is an Uncongealed situation, and we’ll need to Repeg this Square Hole and Live Groundhog’s Day until we get to our Grand Prize of the Fresh Hell.”
- Old terminology: Core Values
- New terminology: Preciouses
- Used in a sentence: “Man, Kris really has Neutered Neurons. I tried to explain that this is an Uncongealed situation, and we’ll need to Repeg this Square Hole and Live Groundhog’s Day until we get to our Grand Prize of the Fresh Hell, but we can’t sacrifice our Preciouses.”
I hope you enjoyed today’s lesson enough to share it with your colleagues. The only way these things go viral is when we all share them. This is the one and only time I’m advocating for us to spread a contagion (of nonsense). Oh, and shout out to my college friends cohort for their input and advice is the wrong word. Should we go with joke flinging? Yeah, that’s it.
-Philip
