Advice to myself at 21
People have written thousands of posts and articles offering support and positive encouragement to their younger selves. That’s not what I needed as a young, arrogant, pain in the ass. This post is the letter I would send to my 21 year old self, if time travel and mailing heartfelt letters were both real things that people did.
Philip,
Hey, jackass. Quit being such a tool. Oh good, I have your attention now. Listen up. I’m twice your age, which means I’ve had twice as much time to learn from my/your/our mistakes. We’re wasted enough time, so I’ll get straight to the point. I’m going to go through a list of your biggest faults. Some of these faults are temporary lapses in judgment, but others last for decades. I’m not going to tell you which are which. That’s part of the joy of being the possessor of hindsight.
First things first, the point of grad school is not to get good grades. The point 21 year olds don’t grasp is that business school is for networking with other people. People who will be more inclined to help you out later in life because you went through this tough thing called your MBA program together. I remember that it was a lot more fun to hang out with the college crew and (spoiler alert) your future wife, but spend some time with your classmates beyond group projects. If you don’t, then you’ll wonder if you missed out on more relationships that would have helped you and your career.
While we’re on the subject of school, you’re a kid. You don’t know that much. Sure, you can get good grades when you try, but see the previous paragraph — grades are not the point. Your classmates are already going to see you as a child. They don’t need a child telling them how easy a test was. Shut up and pay attention to their stories. Combined they’ve had centuries worth of experience that they will share with you for free, if you let them. Ask them questions. Talk about their kids. People love to talk about their little dependents. Get to know them as individuals, and that will make the previous paragraph’s plan much easier to accomplish.
After grad school, don’t take the first job offer you get, even if “it has something to do with data”. If you had looked up what MBA graduates were being offered, you would have known they were lowballing you something fierce. I know. Shocking. Yes, it is the most money anyone has offered to pay you so far in your life, and yes, it’s still too low. Instead of being sullen about it once you figure that out, try asking for more money. Wait, try being a highly productive member of your team first, and then ask for more money. Leaving at 5:01 every day isn’t going to impress the powers that be.
Speaking of producing, do the little things well. You don’t have to be perfect, but be consistently good. People will remember and give you more opportunities if they don’t have to question if you’re someone who can deliver on commitments with minimal mistakes. Your job and career progression conversations get so much easier once everyone trusts that you are good at what you do. Being a pain in the ass (sensing a theme yet?) will not help your case.
Talk to more people at the office, at all of your offices. The job might seem dull and unimportant, but you’re missing half of the work experience by staying in your bubble. Get to know the people you work with, even the old ones. I mean they gotta be in their late 30s, so you might have to speak up and talk slower so they can follow along. You’re going to find out right before you leave that first job that you have a lot more in common with your coworkers, even the big bosses, if you try to get to know them. Hell, one guy was getting a pilot’s license and had his own Cessna. That’s an interesting ass hobby right there. Relationships are going to help you have a career and not just a job.
Oh yeah, this is going to shock you, but executives are just people. People who make mistakes, and fear for their jobs, and get crabby before lunch, just like other people. And remember, people like to connect with other people. If you catch them when the world isn’t crashing down around their ears, then you’ll get to learn something new about an interesting person. Given enough conversations, they may tap you to help them with a beguiling problem or ask your opinion on something. They’ll start to include you in things that matter, and that will feel amazing to be taken seriously as their colleague. You will eventually become an executive yourself (shocking I know), and you will wonder why your employees are hesitant to talk openly with you. You have to show them that it’s okay to have non-work conversations. Once they get comfortable, they will start to try new things, and then you’ll get more out of them than either of you thought possible.
Enough work talk. Let’s talk about personal relationships. You suck at maintaining them (you still do, but you’re a lot better now than you used to be). Repeat after me: “I will make a modicum of effort to check in on the people I care about”. Say it again. Again. Now start doing it. Doesn’t matter if you mark it on your calendar to do it. No one is going to notice. They’ll appreciate you saying hello, and remembering their birthday, and inviting them to go get food. I can imagine what’s going through your head right now and 1) Yeah, trying is hard, 2) No you can’t ignore this until it goes away, and 3) The payoff will be worth the effort. You’re going to have dozens of cool people to talk to throughout your youth that don’t have to be purely proximity based relationships. You have the technology, use it.
Also in the personal relationship realm, stop being so worried about money. Either get a part time job to bring in more cash, or shut up about it. You’re going to spend your twenties being worried about making ends meet, when you have resources and fall back plans that others your age would lose a testicle for. That worry is going to translate into more pointless arguments with your better half, and they all could have been avoided if you just expressed why you didn’t want to spend money. She will tell you that you’re being an idiot, and (another spoiler alert) she’s going to be right. You won’t listen (because you’re an idiot), and you’ll spend hours giving each other the silent treatment when that’s not what either of you want.
Wow. Turns out I have more to say to my past self than I thought. Let me tackle one more topic and then I’ll wrap this up. Spend more time learning how things work on a fundamental level. You’ll figure this out in your late twenties, and then people will occasionally think you’re a wizard. We both know that we’re sufficiently ego driven to want that type of acclaim, so start researching early. The world is an absolutely riveting place, once you stop and wonder why things work the way they do. Mastering the basics means you’ll be able to figure out the complex, which isn’t something everyone can do.
That’s it for now. I’m going to come back to this and write down more smack talk disguised as advice once I remember what else you screw up. Go and be a better me.
- Also Philip
P.S. to the readers of this note — To be clear, I’m happy where I am now, and I am the result of all of the experiences I had and the mistakes I made. In order to wind up where I am today, I would gladly make all of those mistakes again. But if you’re a young person reading this (hey, it could happen), then know that nothing is permanent. Mistakes are okay if you learn something from them (and then don’t do them again). So try something new. Talk to more people. Learn from everyone, even the ones with seemingly nothing to offer because they’re soooo old. Do something about the things that make you anxious or worried. Doing nothing is adding to your stress levels. Enjoy being young and relatively formless. You’ll find a comfortable pattern soon enough, so mix it up while the cost of breaking out of your norm is small. And for god’s sake, keep your embarrassing shit off of social media. Future you will love you forever if they don’t have to explain that picture of you and what’s-their-face doing that thing. You know the one I’m talking about.
